Monday, December 3, 2012

An Ugly Reflection.

How precious is this little girl? And how familiar is that feeling she is portraying?
I don't know about you but the way that she looks, so exhausted with a hint of sadness
depicts exactly what I have been feeling over the past couple of days. 

I don't need to go into detail but bottom line, circumstances have brought the worst out of me. If you know me, you know loyalty is something I take very seriously. I am very protective of my friends and my family and when I feel they have been wronged, it is as if I have been wronged. I want to defend them more than they want to defend themselves. 

This part of me has brought out the worst in me because over the past couple of months. There have been a couple situations where I have seen some friends and me in turn,  be treated wrongly and betrayed by their friends.  When this happens, I have very little grace and want the person to be done away with. Because of the way I am wired, it seems easy and natural to me to let go of friends or even sometimes family who don't have your best interest at heart.  Friendship is about being honest, building each other up, and bringing out the best in people, right? It is about being loyal and protective, and standing up for each other. I have never been betrayed or deeply hurt by a "friend" before (a huge blessing) but lately this is the closest I have come in my life to that feeling and it mostly indirectly! 

I have seen a lack of honesty, loyalty, forgiveness, grace and just pure kindness lately in my life from others.  And when these things happen, my initial reaction is anger and that is what brings out the bad in me. When I look in the mirror, I see an ugly reflection. I have become that person I just described. I lack honesty, loyalty, forgiveness, grace and kindness.  When I look back on how I act, the things I say, and the feelings I feel, I just get exhausted and sad because I am not proud of how I have acted. 

I am still in a funk right now and I still want to be angry and am angry. I want justice and I want apologies from people, but you know what I am learning? Being this way is getting me absolutely nowhere because all I am becoming is an angry, ugly, non-compassionate, unforgiving person. 

Exactly the opposite of how I am called to lived. I am called to be different. To live above reproach. I didn't deserve the forgiveness I got nor will I ever. 

How shameful is that? I am embarrassed and saddened that I have let life circumstances bring out the worst in me. I never used to be like that. 

And starting now, I am going to work extra hard to look into to my heart, weed out the ugly, and bring out the Goodness that was placed there a long time ago. 

I am choosing to love.

Plus it is Christmas. Lots of love needs to go around this season. 

Merry Christmas everyone! 


  1. Bah. This post just hit me in the face. I don't think I've felt this to the extent you have, but, like you described, it's hard not to become like that other person when they treat you wrong. Thanks for sharing, JoMo. I'm off to apologize to someone now*.


    *Even though I don't 100% want to, I need to. So I'm going to. Right after this comment. Okay, now I'm going. For real. Okay...

  2. hahaha... Thanks Ash. I almost deleted the post because I didn't want it to be taken the wrong way but since you got some good out of it, I'll leave it up. Miss you. Oh and ps- thanks for that Facebook link you gave me! very sweet!


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