Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Warning: This may be just rambling depression talk.

Correction: after reading over it, this IS rambling depression talk.

So today at around 5:00, Kathrine, Molly, and I made it back to Little Rock from our weekend, Fall Break, in Florida. We went back to the same place we were at earlier this summer, Sanddestin.

As expected, everything there was just perfect. 

We saw our old friends, made some new friends and had so much fun with  just the three of us. The weather was perfect, the tourists were few, and the circumstances were awesome.  

That being said, it makes coming home so much harder. 

I hate that I hate coming back to reality so much. I love my family and I know how fortunate I am to have them so close and how fortunate I am to have job that I like.  BUT, and yes this is a BIG BUT..and I cannot lie, you other brothers,.sorry...as I was saying, BUT I just don't know why it is always so hard to come back home. I don't think it should be. 

Is it because I know what to expect everyday and I find boredom in that? Is it because I may not be doing what I am meant to do, even though I do like my job?  Or is it because I always have a hard time living in the present and finding hope in the future. I have discussed this before, but I tend to be a master at living in the past. Whatever it is, I need to figure it out. I want to be excited about life. 

Kathrine and Molly both said I was so much happier in Florida and I know they are right. 

At home, I worry about every thing non-stop from how much money I am making, my job, trying to establish more relationships in Little Rock, and then wondering how much longer I am actually going to be in Little Rock.  I get obsessive about working out and my weight and what I am eating which really dampens my attitude (so not okay, I realize this). I think about my dating life and how I am beginning to realize a true southern boy will never want to date me since I am a picture perfect failure of a southern girl. And with all this worrying, I worry about my worrying and try to tell myself that I am failing at looking at the big picture and I have got to realize that I am so not in control of any of this!

But heck, it is so much easier said that done. 

Andddd...deep breath. (I warned you about the rambling.)

Can I get an amen? I mean, do other people get this way? 

I just had to get it out. I was home, unpacked everything, started laundry, showered, ate dinner, and occupied an hour watching the Pan Am episode I missed and then the boredom and reality set back in. 

Here is the mere effort to perk myself up, looking forward to a few fun events coming up:

The fair is here in Little Rock this weekend which is only fun when you get to go as VIP as Kathrine and I do every year due to her father, Captain Mark Allen. I think we may have a bon fire planned for the weekend. I am going to Orlando the first weekend of November. Halloween is coming up which even though I have never really celebrated, I am thinking this year, The Trio will have to do something fun! Maybe a trip to Memphis! And if not for Halloween, there will definitely be some other trips to Memphis for fun. 

Okay, well if you happen to still be reading this depressing ramble session, I promise to not let that happen again anytime soon. I feel like I should be posting this to Xanga. Remember Xanga?  It was like the original blog back in the day and all the emo people got on and told the saga of their middle school and high school days. Oh! the horrors of being a teenager but finally an outlet to let the whole world in on it.

Anyways, have a good night friends!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Hoping for Hope.

As most of you know, I have started my new job at Natural State Chiropractor and I love it.

And, as most you know, in any job that deals with patients, there are those patients that take a lot more patience than others. (Ha, how ironic the similarity between those two words.)

However, there are those others who you just automatically know you are going to love.

Last week, we had one of those people become a patient of ours. His name is John and he is this sweet little old man that comes in with a walker every visit, and since he cannot drive himself, he always has a driver as his escort.

He is a man full of such joy and peace. You feel lighter and happier in his presence and every time he comes in, I can't help but smile. This is for two reasons:

One: He usually is wearing the most awesome vintage Razorback shirt or sweatshirt that have got to be from the 70's or early 80's. They are so cool and I told him I wanted one. Or rather, yelled it to him since he cannot hear well...AT ALL. (Yes even with me, the really loud one)

Anyways, the second reason is this. John is a 71 year old man who has the faith and discipline of few men. John spent many years of his life as a choir director and the ability of motion was crucial to his life. He loved to cycle every day and judging by his character, he was a very lively and active being.

However, I am not sure exactly when, but a couple years ago, John had a stroke which left him with little to no motion on his whole right side of his body. This meant he could no longer do his favorite activities and he was completely swept away from the active life he lived. He could no longer direct his choir and he could no longer cycle.

Since the stroke he has had a couple of silent hearts attacks, he has chronic headaches and pain all over his body, and his body is just sick.

But despite his pain and despite his suffering, John, in his late age and after his stroke, decided to do something that most fully functioning and healthy people would never have the courage or strength to do.

Using the only ability he had left, John typed the whole entire bible, beginning to end, Genesis to Revelation with only his left hand. Let me say that again. John, the 71 year old, who is in chronic pain and has almost no motion on his right side (yes, he was right handed), typed the WHOLE bible with only his left hand.

I don't know if that has any impact on you, but it does on me.  I am so convicted by a faith like that and brought to my knees in shame because of how often I go day-to-day with a fully functioning, healthy body and yet do so little that brings Glory to God. This man had everything taken away from and yet he uses the only strength and capability he physically has to worship Christ.

Sometimes I wonder how a man in so much pain with all the reason to be angry and bitter can still exert so much joy and peace as he does.  Then, after a few naive and foolish moments of thought, the only conclusion I can come to is because of the faith he has set in something other than himself. He has placed his faith and eternal hope in Christ.  I can't imagine living on this earth without the hope of something else. And I say this but still all to often I never live with my hope in Christ.

Life is messy. It is so full of pain. We hurt people and people hurt us whether through actions or words or perhaps no actions or words at all. Circumstances hurt us. Our jobs fail us. Our cars fail us. Money might provide ease but easy doesn't always mean happy and it for sure is not fulfilling.  I believe something can only truly be fulfilling if you know the effects of whatever you are investing in are permanent, guaranteed to last. Absolutely nothing on this earth will last forever.  There are temporary fulfillments but what good are those when they are as I said, only temporary.

I need a faith like John's. To live out a life of hope. I want to be a "John" where even in my pain I can make others in pain, feel hopeful.  After all, without hope, there is no point to living. If I had his faith and did an act as noble as he did and I used my every capabilities (a word which I can thankfully still make plural) to know and serve Christ better, than I could have that joy too. It may sound weird and it might not make sense at first but it's real. And what John is going through and has done is not some church-babble. It's an action of radical faith, that despite his circumstances, allows him to find hope and joy in every day. and if he can do it so can I and so can you.

So friends, look for hope. Find The Source of it in your life and let it flow through you every minute of every day.

Love you.

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