Compartmentalize. (Try saying it three times fast!)

Have you ever had so much going on in your life at one point where you just have had to stop, breathe, and think: How the heck did I get here?

That's where I am at today.

I was journaling just a little bit ago about stuff going on in life and as I was finishing up, I thought: How did this happen? How did I get here? and then the ultimate question came to my head....dun dun dun...Who am I? ;)

But it wasn't in the "what's my purpose on this earth" jibber jabber kind of way.  It was more the thought of: if you would take me back to my 8th grade self, I would promise that where I am now isn't where I would ever have pictured myself in 9.5 years from that point.

So why I am here? How did I get to the place today where my 8th grade self would look at me as a stranger....

and here is the sad part...are you ready?

I think my 8th grade self would seriously look at me and say: "Grow up."

I am not kidding you. And for those of you who knew me then and now, know I am not kidding.

My two most recent posts have been pretty melancholy to say the least. Pretty debbie downer, and then only excuse that I have is that what "they" say is true: As you get older, life gets messier.

A couple summers ago when Molly, Kat, and I went to Florida, we had a lot of "meaningless stuff" going on in our lives regarding the people we were going to see in Florida. All three of us did.  So in efforts to make sure that we had the best trip possible, I made the three of us promise that anything that happened with the people down there (good or bad), it would not affect our time together in Florida.  And then as all mature 21 year olds do, I made us come up with a clue word that would stop us in our tracks if any one of us was ever letting what "the others" did affect us.  The word: COMPARTMENTALIZE.

The reason I chose that word was because I knew that as girls, our natural tendency is to think like a bowl of spaghetti noodles; everything is connected, intertwined, and linked in some form or fashion.  Guys, however; their brains are like waffles. Everything is separate and events that happen only affect the compartment that that "thing" is in.

So my goal for the weekend in Florida was too prove that we too, as girls, could think like men and keep things compartmentalized. We could keep events separate and not let it affect our weekend.

Now besides the fact that Kat could barely even pronounce the word any time she tried, we used that word SOOOO many times in FL- at least 20 times every day.  And honestly, it worked.  Trust me.  Things happened to each of us that could have upset us, ruined our mood, been taken the wrong way, demanded revenge or justice! ;), BUT!: whenever one of us started to turn sour, the other two would look at her, point, and say: "Hey, compartmentalize!". And not only did it give a little humor to the situation, it worked! We moved on and continued to have a grand ole' time!

Now.  As far as life today... I unfortunately don't have Kat and Molly with me every second to yell "Compartmentalize!" at me.  And honestly, the issues today are more personal and more important than those were. (Life gets messier when you get older even if just by two years.) But, I have got to get back to the old me.

I liked that me better and that me was much happier. When I knew how to keep things separate. When I knew that somebody's actions didn't always exemplify their "feelings" towards me. I use to give people the benefit of the doubt and if they hurt me or didn't like me, I didn't care. I was very good at protecting myself from letting those things hold me back or bear down on me.

I am not good at that anymore.  My protective shield has gone down and I have allowed myself to become a big bowl of nasty tasting spaghetti. And even though I don't know why I let that shield down, it has affected every area of my life and it just seems like one big ka-bobble of a mess and I hate it.  I guess the life is always a war and the thing you must always do in war, is keep that shield up and I will do so with the help of few because I know I can't do it alone either.

So here we go again... I am going to give compartmentalize another try and keep my head up. Keep on being loving, easy-going, understanding, SANE, logical Jordan. Not the one I have been over the past couple weeks/months. Eww. :)

Go ahead.  Give it a try in your life, too. Let me know how it goes.

Compartmentalize on friends! :)

Giving Myself A Gift

If you read the last post, you know I am struggling with anger/forgiveness.

Today during huddle at work, I read from this book called "One Minute Wellness." IT was talking about the four reasons for anger. There were:

1. Low Self-Esteem
2. The Immature Emotional Response
3. Value Judging (people misjudging our values and beliefs)
4. Un-forgiveness

So- my inability to forgive is feeding the anger. They had a description for each reason but the one they gave for forgiveness was so short, simple, yet truthful, that I have to share:

"Here is an illustration of the poisonous heart of unforgiveness: a Holocaust survivor once said that if you licked his heart, you'd die from the poison.  The truth about refusing to forgive, thinking hateful thoughts, and judging others is that such actions are like drinking poison in an effort to kill your enemy. Unforgiveness hurts only you.  No matter how bad the offense against you was, not forgiving the offender causes only yourself-not the guilty party-an early death.  So give yourself a gift by giving someone who needs forgiveness a gift he or she doesn't deserve.  This will add years to your life and life to your years.  It may just change the previously unforgiven person as well."

My favorite line is that refusing to forgive, thinking hateful thoughts, or judging others (all things I have done lately), are like drinking poison in an effort to kill your enemy.

Although not literally poisoning myself, I am poisoning my spirit and my character. I am doing damage to myself in efforts to "hurt" others.

Bottom line: that's just not going to work out the way I want it too.

I was glad I read that this morning.  One minute of wellness and can do a lot of minutes of good apparently.

An Ugly Reflection.

How precious is this little girl? And how familiar is that feeling she is portraying?

I don't know about you but the way that she looks, so exhausted with a hint of sadness

depicts exactly what I have been feeling over the past couple of days. 

I don't need to go into detail but bottom line, circumstances have brought the worst out of me. If you know me, you know loyalty is something I take very seriously. I am very protective of my friends and my family and when I feel they have been wronged, it is as if I have been wronged. I want to defend them more than they want to defend themselves. 

This part of me has brought out the worst in me because over the past couple of months. There have been a couple situations where I have seen some friends and me in turn,  be treated wrongly and betrayed by their friends.  When this happens, I have very little grace and want the person to be done away with. Because of the way I am wired, it seems easy and natural to me to let go of friends or even sometimes family who don't have your best interest at heart.  Friendship is about being honest, building each other up, and bringing out the best in people, right? It is about being loyal and protective, and standing up for each other. I have never been betrayed or deeply hurt by a "friend" before (a huge blessing) but lately this is the closest I have come in my life to that feeling and it mostly indirectly! 

I have seen a lack of honesty, loyalty, forgiveness, grace and just pure kindness lately in my life from others.  And when these things happen, my initial reaction is anger and that is what brings out the bad in me. When I look in the mirror, I see an ugly reflection. I have become that person I just described. I lack honesty, loyalty, forgiveness, grace and kindness.  When I look back on how I act, the things I say, and the feelings I feel, I just get exhausted and sad because I am not proud of how I have acted. 

I am still in a funk right now and I still want to be angry and am angry. I want justice and I want apologies from people, but you know what I am learning? Being this way is getting me absolutely nowhere because all I am becoming is an angry, ugly, non-compassionate, unforgiving person. 

Exactly the opposite of how I am called to lived. I am called to be different. To live above reproach. I didn't deserve the forgiveness I got nor will I ever. 

How shameful is that? I am embarrassed and saddened that I have let life circumstances bring out the worst in me. I never used to be like that. 

And starting now, I am going to work extra hard to look into to my heart, weed out the ugly, and bring out the Goodness that was placed there a long time ago. 

I am choosing to love.

Plus it is Christmas. Lots of love needs to go around this season. 

Merry Christmas everyone!